Santa Claus. A name recognisable to millions of people around the world. A name that instils warm feelings – and presents – to the hearts of children everywhere. A name synonymous with the giving of gifts, the warm sentiments of Christmas, and flying reindeer. Under normal circumstances, I would not have to explain such a wondrous man, but the current state of affairs calls for such redundancy.
For you see, every year, statistics are showing an ever growing number human beings who, against all pretence of logic and rational thought, do not believe in Santa Claus. That is to say, these people do not think such a saint of a man, who devotes his entire life to the appeal of children, exists in any capacity. For those of you who have not ceased reading this in utter disgust at such a disturbing revelation, I shall explain as to the exact nature of my writing. I wish to exterminate the non-belief of Santa Claus, and to do that, I shall provide a complete history of his life, and put forth undeniable evidence for it.
Santa Nicholas Claus was born in the Lebanese town of Tabarja-Adma-Dafne-Kfaryassine in 1458. Born to a large family of fifty-six, Claus had a rough and deprived childhood. With so many children to tend to, his parents often neglected Claus, leaving him to occupy most of his time playing with rocks and evading Islamic crusades.
Despite his parents’ efforts, the lack of medical innovation at the time meant that all of Santa’s brothers and sisters died before they reached the age of twenty, leaving him as an only child. Many would conclude that Claus finally got the attention he deserved as a result of this, but his parents, and his father’s fourteen other wives, died by astonishing coincidence at exactly the same time by completely differing means. To make matters worse for young Santa Claus, his house fell down and all of his possessions caught fire shortly afterward.
With nowhere else to go and nothing else to do, Santa began to wander the desert for the next fifty years, surviving by eating rocks and drinking the blood of his enemies. One day, in 1525, Santa was feeling particularly bored and decided to draw the prophet Muhammad to pass the time. Outraged by this breach of Muslim practices, Muhammad appeared to Santa, while coincidentally looking exactly as depicted in the drawing. Muhammad decided to punish Santa, and cursed him with immortality before disappearing in a puff of Islam.
Now with even less to do and all of eternity to do it, Santa vowed to bring joy to children around the world and not let them experience the miserable childhood he had. He decided to do this on the Christian holiday of Christmas because Muhammad had given him such a raw deal.
Santa began to travel across Europe and gather everything he needed to make his dream a reality. While he was initially unsure of where he would base his operations, he had much time to think while buried alive for two-hundred years after a bar fight in Switzerland. Santa used this solitude to decide on the North Pole as his base of operations, and had his entire present-making facility mapped out in intricate detail within his head by the time he was unearthed by Ludwig van Beethoven for some reason.
Before departing to the North Pole, Santa needed a workforce to work the factories and construct his facility. Luckily for him, Santa discovered a French farmer who had stumbled upon a crashed alien space ship filled with hundreds of extra-terrestrial midgets. Santa purchased these aliens for slave labour, and used their fabulous technology to biologically engineer several reindeer and make then aerodynamically capable.
Santa came to know his alien slaves as “elves”, which is in actuality a racist term on their planet that Santa deliberately uses to demotivate them. The real name for their species is “Kevin”, not that it matters now.
Flying to the North Pole on his new alien-enhanced reindeer, Santa and his elves began construction of their immense present production and wrapping facility using grant money from Thomas Jefferson. By 1842, Santa Claus and his elves were ready to begin their first global gift-giving at Christmas. In order to carry millions of presents on a single, reindeer-towed sleigh, the elves’ advanced technology was again implemented, making Santa’s bag dimensionally transcendal; which is to say, bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. In addition, a wizard redundantly cast a spell to assist this process, so that a lazy supernatural explanation could be given to people who don’t understand science.
On the night of December 24th, 1842, Santa’s centuries-old dream of bringing joy to children became a reality, and people’s reception to the forceful intrusion of their homes proved highly positive. For every Christmas thereafter, Santa continued to give gifts to children across the planet right through the 19th and 20th Centuries, and evolved into a powerful and highly influential world figure. It was for these reasons that Adolf Hitler launched an attack on the North Pole in 1940, aiming to destroy such a powerful figure. Santa and his elves fought valiantly, and German army was forced to retreat after heavy casualties. Santa held a violent grudge towards Hitler after this incident, and the Fuhrer’s death in April 1945 was not a suicide as widely believed, but rather the result of Santa breaking into his bunker and killing the bastard himself.
Today, in the 21st Century, Santa’s quest to spread happiness to children remains a pleasant reality, and Santa continues to deliver presents to every country on Earth (with the sole exception of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, who actively attempt to shoot down the white-bearded giver of gifts). As it stands, Santa’s production facility spreads over fifteen square kilometres, extending one a half kilometres under the ice and over four kilometres high. The facility currently holds the record for producing the most CO2 emissions within a single mile, and the record for being the largest thing ever built. Twice.
In conclusion, some may ask me how I know all of this, immense historical records notwithstanding. There remains one very simple reason for this; one incontrovertible piece of evidence that will put to rest any molecular inkling of a shred of a doubt that may linger in the minds of any human being who finds themselves reading this: my mom and dad told me when I was a kid, and one time I swear I heard footsteps on the roof.
I rest my case.
